It seems lately that not a day goes by that I don't stop in my tracks and look at my son and get a lump in my throat. I grab him and hold him as close as possible; never wanting to let go. As though if I could just hold him tighter I could keep him mine forever, my perfect son.
In my eyes not hair on his head, not even the dirt under his nail is anything but perfection.
When I was a little girl my parents told me I would never understand how much they loved me until I had a child of my own. Sure enough, becoming a mother has expanded my heart strings as well as my waist to a capacity I didn't know possible.
I would be a phony if I were to say I didn't feel home sick for my old life sometimes after he first joined our family. I admit I even wondered if I had made a mistake on those sleepless nights when I was up every three hours trying to figure out how to get through it all.
But now I can't imagine a single morning without going into his room to find arms wide open to me to pick him up and hold him.
Something else my parents often told me (and my brother) when we were little was that in Heaven, we choose our parents.
As a kid I believed this whole-heartedly, and whether or not it is true, I still believe it.
Which brings me to my soul-searching question...why did Conner, this perfect soul, choose me?
This brings me to another soul-searching question...why did I choose my parents?
My parents are complete opposites. My dad is assertive, stubborn, witty....my mom passive, sensitive, kind.
Though they are so different, both of their personalities have been essential in my life.
What is it about me that will be essential in Conner's life?
Why did he choose me to be his mother?
All I can say is that I desire above all other desires to live up to whatever expectations he might have of me. I am humbled to realize that my parents must have felt these same emotions about me and my brother when we came into their lives.
My parents have made their share of mistakes, but I can say with all honestly that I have never, ever been able to say I didn't know if they loved me.
I hope Conner will never be able to wonder if I love him even amidst the mistakes I am sure to make on my journey through motherhood.
I have also had a brief glance at how my parents, (my dad in particular) might have felt when Corey came into my life and "took me away" and made me his.
I dread the day a beautiful young woman comes into Conner's life and gets to call him hers. This, thankfully, is something I don't need to worry about for a long time.
Until then, I think I will just hold him as tight as possible and try to be as loving as a parent to him as my parents have been to me.
Thanks mom and dad.
10 comments:
that was sweet.
i think as mothers we all do this. Our children will never know how much we truely love them until they have their own children.
When the next one comes, you are going to wonder how on earth you could love another child as much as the first. It's hard to imagine that there is that much love in your heart.
He is getting so big. i see more of you in him as he gets older.
Wow, that just took my breath away. It completely encompasses the way I feel about my kids and my parents! You have a gift of words...Thank you for that amazing tribute! You are an amazing woman and Conner is VERY lucky to have you as his mom! I doubt any child will ever feel as loved as you will make him feel through out his life! i feel very honored to know you and to be able to call you my friend! Love ya!
You made me cry. That was so sweet. You are awesome.
You definitely have a gift with expressing yourself so beautifully.
Great tribute. I feel that same way not wanting to let go of Braxton. Unfortunately he won't let me hold him too long :( because he's a wiggly boy who needs to roam. Also I was so sad to read about your bad day Sunday. If the stuff you are using on his burn doesn't seem to work well I have a bottle of gel called "burn free" that my sister-in-law (a pharmacist) recommended. Let me know and you are more than welcome to use it.
These words are BEAUTIFUL. I know why he chose you...because you are almost perfect...because you are so much like me I can say that! You are such a great example of a mother to me. You probably didn't know that, but you are.
i love that post. it was so beautiful. he is such a lucky guy to have you as his mom!
Laur, that was so beautiful, thank you for writing this. It made me stop and think of my sweet Cade, sleeping in his crib, and it made me think of how grateful I am for my parents, too. You're such an amazing mama. I get to witness you with Conner every day (almost) and you are so sweet and loving and patient with him. He's lucky to have you, and that's why he picked you - he knew you were just right for him. :)
xo
Beautifully said Laur...I have no idea of what life has in store for me but I'm in for big learning...Conner chose you because you are amazing and you'll still add so so so much to his life... I wanna cry just thinking about that... my baby chose me too... I can't wait to meet her.
Love you,
Ane
Wow, what a beautiful post.
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